postheadericon Autonomy vs Dependency

Self-determination and self-respect are the necessary keys  to take full responsibility for and control over your own life. Without these keys, it’s easy to be caught up in the fantasy  that there is someone else who will make it better, who can or should take total care of you, who is able to be responsible for you more effectively than you can yourself. 

We have this dream for two reasons:
1) when you were little your parents took care of you and made it better; and/or
2) overloaded or incompetent parents failed to teach you the skills necessary to take care of and feel capable of being responsible for yourself. 

You start to learn autonomy when you realize how false and destructive this dream is. When you understand that no one can take care of you better and that only you are responsible for your life and you start to learn effective methods for doing these things yourself.

Autonomy can be called several things:
• self-government: this is the dictionary definition of autonomy; making your own rules and living by them; also called self-reliance.

• self-trust: being able to make a promise to yourself and keep it, as you would a promise to a respected friend. Extending the same careful consideration to yourself that you would wish from a friend.

•self-determination: deciding your own future through planning and careful action.

• self-confidence: the security that comes from having a sense of purpose, and the confidence to accomplish your purpose. 

• higher purpose: self-motivation, a desire to create and accomplish, regardless of outer rewards, but for the satisfaction of accomplishment.

• self-love: the healing of old pain and resentment, comfort with your own feelings, self-nurturing and self-support.

By achieving the ability to take care of and be responsible for yourself, you acquire:


3) the understanding that you are responsible for yourself and must learn whatever you need to make your life successful, functional and happy.

Contrary to these beliefs, independence and autonomy actually enhance relationships with others, and allow giving and receiving to be truly unconditional. Only a person who is fully able to care for him or herself can be free to love and give freely; deprived people give grudgingly. The following chart will help you compare what autonomy is and isn’t:

Here are several situations, which are common for people who have dependency problems; first as they are usually handled by dependent people, and then as they are handled by those who have achieved autonomy:

• Your raise is due, and you deserve it, but it hasn’t been mentioned. Dependency: You’re afraid to ask about it. Autonomy: You request an appointment with your supervisor, and calmly remind her of the due date. 

• You call a plumber to fix a stopped-up drain, and he wants to tear out the whole wall and replace all the pipes. Dependency: Even though you think he’s wrong, and you’d like another opinion, you let him do it.  Autonomy: You ask him for a clear explanation of why he wants to do the extra work. When you find out that boring the drain out would be a temporary solution, you ask him to do that, and give yourself time to get another estimate on the larger job. When you have two or three estimates, you make your decision.

• Your friend, who has had a number of accidents, asks to borrow your car. Dependency: You worry about it, but you give him the car keys. Autonomy: You say, “I’m sorry. I’d like to help, but I can’t loan you my car. Can I drive you somewhere?”

• Your former roommate has too much to drink at your party. Dependency: You don’t think she should drive home, but when she insists, you let her. Autonomy: You don’t think she should drive home, so you call a taxi and keep her car keys. The next day, you call and make arrangements for her to get her car.

“Autonomy, wrote Denton Roberts in Able and Equal, “is the knowledge that we are the owners of our lives. We are not owned by parents, bosses, government, church, neighbors, spouses, children or cars….we are not, sometimes much to our dismay, victims of people and institutions. No longer being a victim means we determine our lives and what to do with them. Our ability to respond to life is both and asset and a challenge. Without the indulgent feeling of being victimized by the world or circumstances, we take possession of life.”

Author’s Bio: 

Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California since 1978 with over 30 years experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 13 books in 17 languages, including It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction; The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again; Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting About the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage, The Commuter Marriage, and her newest, Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences. She writes the “Dr. Romance” blog, and the “Happiness Tips from Tina” email newsletter.

Dr. Tessina, is CRO (Chief Romance Officer) for, a website designed to strengthen relationships and guide couples through the various stages of their relationship with personalized tips, courses, and online couples counseling. Online, she’s known as “Dr. Romance” Dr. Tessina appears frequently on radio, and such TV shows as “Oprah”, “Larry King Live” and ABC News.

postheadericon Dr. Romance on Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences

It was one of those magical encounters with a personal truth—you know how it feels. I was fifteen, in ninth-grade English. The teacher, Mr. Rizzutto, read us a poem, and it had such a profound effect on me that even five decades later, I’m still using it as a guide. The poem, “Outwitted,” by Edwin Markham, is simple:

He drew a circle that shut me out;
Heretic; rebel; a thing to flout.
But Love and I had the wit to win:
We drew a circle that took him in.

There was a time when life seemed very hard, so hard I tried not to think about it.. Several times I helped to destroy some very viable relationships. Changing myself, my life and my loves has been very exciting and fulfilling, yet I am still growing. This book is intended to help you reach your desired destination on your own journey and make your hard places a little easier.

Love Styles was written to  help you to be gentle with yourself and others and to help you celebrate. The information and exercises are intended to help you understand what works for you and your partner, and to help you create something wonderful together.

We were having trouble entertaining. It was awkward, irritating and difficult. It never went smoothly. I had recently been in two long-lasting roommate situations, two years with Annie and two years with Ron, just before getting married. In both situations, entertaining had been fun and easy, right from the start. Why was it so difficult now? Why was a sexual relationship so much more difficult than my roommate situations?

I clarified my discovery a bit and shared it with Richard. And like magic, merely because we were aware of the need to know, we discovered our respective styles. We asked each other questions, we talked, we demonstrated, we fantasized. We had fun. And we learned about each other’s favorite ways of entertaining. From there it was a small, simple step to developing or synthesizing our own unique combined style. Since then, it’s been smooth and easy. We know the glass cabinet containing the crystal is softly lit; the lights are turned low; incense burns in discreet, strategic places; flowers are everywhere; the oil lamps are lit; wine is chilled: snacks are placed out in beautiful crystal dishes; and voilà! Instant atmosphere! Instant party!

We are now capable of setting this up in fifteen minutes, in a pinch. We rarely falter, trip over each other or get irritated. Richard has his favorite responsibilities and I have mine—yet we can each cover for the other when necessary. And we can do it all without much discussion.

An added bonus is, if I want Richard to feel romantic and “special occasion” without a big announcement, I can just do a part of the “party” routine, and he’s inclined to be in a party mood. It’s very handy, direct, easy and effective way to let him know I think he’s special. Either of us can use the signals.

Since then, we’ve been conscious about style. We have developed a hot-tub style, a summer barbecue style, a traveling style, an evening-out style, a work style, and a hanging-out style. Actually, these styles are largely what we’d have done anyway. It’s the understanding and awareness of the style that makes the difference.

Clarity about style also makes it easy to change and communicate new ideas to each other. It’s also easy to manage help when we have it, because we both know what needs to be done. Developing new styles becomes a challenge and a delightful pastime.

After seeing the impact style-consciousness made on my home life, I began to consider its implications in more profound ways. I began discussing it with friends and clients and suggesting uses of style for clients in their problem- solving processes. Everyone found it a simple and effective idea.

After getting similar positive responses in lectures and workshops, this book was conceived, in three parts: (1) a philosophical discussion of the importance of style in matters of love; (2) a series of exercises designed to help you discover your own and others’ styles; and (3) a brief discussion of how individual styles can mesh with the larger social environment.

I hope this easy- to- grasp idea of styles is as profound and effective in your life as it has been in mine.


There’s a pervasive myth in our society that there is a right and a wrong way to love. However, there’s not much clarity about what is the right way. We all have difficulty with relationships, difficulty with love; therefore, we’re liable to draw the uncomfortable conclusion: “Everyone knows how to love correctly except me.” At times, when frustrated by a lover, you may indeed believe that everyone knows how to love except your partner!

There are as many ways of loving as there are people—and none of them is wrong. Some ways of loving do work better than others, but there are an infinite number of ways that work extremely well. This is good news, for it ends forever the fear that love can become boring, or that you can become bored with it. When looked at from this perspective, the object of relationships becomes to discover each other’s way of loving (lovestyle), to learn the style of loving your partner uses and to teach him or her the joys of your own style. In this way, each relationship adds to your options for love. Each couple synthesizes a new lovestyle out of the two they bring together; which is uniquely theirs and which can be restructured as their lifestyles change and grow.


I can’t really define what love is for anyone else, because each of you has your own unique experience with love. But I can separate it from several things it is not, and list some very general attributes of it.

We experience love on many ways: romantic, practical, spiritual, familial, unconditional, passionate, selfish, and so on. In this book, I’m talking about love at the practical level, as in our day-to-day relationships.

As we experience it in primary relationships, love is one person’s positive experience of another.
Love tends to bring separate people together.
* Love is sharing and caring.
* Love unites us.
* Love is your willingness to share yourself.

Love is a state of being, a feeling, not an action. It is warmth, connectedness, and a desire to be closer. It’s my concern for your well-being as well as my own. Love is someone’s recognition in the other of the things he or she likes most about self. Love is not critical or separating; it is accepting and supportive.

We hear much, especially in popular songs, movies, etc., about how painful love is. I disagree. Love doesn’t hurt; whatever hurts in a relationship is not love. Love isn’t limiting, it’s freeing.
Love is how you feel; not what you do. The expression of love is one degree removed from the feeling itself. How you behave is not necessarily an accurate barometer of how you love—that depends on your understanding of love and your ability to express yourself effectively. Love is a feeling; the expression of love is an art. As with any art, there can be a wide gap between what is expressed and what is felt. The difference between expression and feeling has several contributing factors: self-awareness, honesty, safety, intent and fantasy. As with art, practice and knowledge of technique are helpful.

Whether you love or not is subject only to your own opinion, no one else’s. The proper answer to the age-old demand, “If you love me, you’ll_____” is: “Wrong. I do love you, but I’m not going to do that,” or, “I’ll do that, but it’s not a test of my love.”

Frequently in counseling I’ve seen people let themselves be talked right out of loving each other, like this: When person A says, “If you loved me, you’d…” most often he or she is feeling insecure and asking for reassurance, but asking ineffectively, because it sounds like a demand. When B is also insecure, and if he or she is unwilling to do whatever is being demanded, B then tends to doubt his or her own loving: “Gee, maybe I don’t love you enough. I’m not willing to do that.” When A gets this doubtful response on top of his or her initially insecure feelings, A panics: “Oh no! B doesn’t really love me!” At this point, both A and B are convinced that it’s not working, and everything can go downhill from there, because of simple misunderstanding.

As in any art, it’s necessary to know what you want to express in order to express it effectively. Your personal way of expressing and receiving love is your love style.

Author’s Bio: 

Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California since 1978 with over 30 years experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 13 books in 17 languages, including It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction; The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again; Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting About the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage, The Commuter Marriage, and her newest, Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences. She writes the “Dr. Romance” blog, and the “Happiness Tips from Tina” email newsletter.

Dr. Tessina, is CRO (Chief Romance Officer) for, a website designed to strengthen relationships and guide couples through the various stages of their relationship with personalized tips, courses, and online couples counseling. Online, she’s known as “Dr. Romance” Dr. Tessina appears frequently on radio, and such TV shows as “Oprah”, “Larry King Live” and ABC News.

postheadericon Karma: The Pros and Cons of Cheating in a Relationship

The statistics of recurring studies around the world show that cheating in relationships is far more common than everyday appearances let on; an average of 45% of respondents claim to have cheated in a relationship, and that doesn’t include those who haven’t admitted to an affair or fling.

His problem is that he wants to cheat in his relationship, but he’s concerned about the consequences.

Nobody likes to be cheated on in relationships, but his situation (like many other relationships) may be more complex than how we address it above.

He wants to know what’s the best way to have sex with other women without crossing any red lines. Again, it’s complicated, but we offer some suggestions below.

He may want to stay together due to finances or children. Not surprisingly, his wife is against the idea of an open relationship, but if he shows her examples of how an arrangement can work, and makes sure there are benefits for her too, she may reconsider. Such a situation works much better if they agree on rules ahead of time to ensure mutual respect.

As a last resort, if she refuses to compromise and he’s okay with a partner cheating on him in a future life, (since this is the karma he may very well incur for himself if he follows the common cheating in relationships standard), he should feel free to cheat.

Author’s Bio: 

postheadericon How to Handle the End of Your Long-Term Relationship

How to end a long-term relationship? It’s never easy, especially when you’ve built your lives around each other and you thought it would last forever.

Before you end a long-term relationship, make sure you’ve done all you can to salvage it. In addition to solution-based communication (rather than just complaining) and counseling, here are two more ideas you may not have considered:

Next, be absolutely certain before you end a long-term relationship.

Once you are certain it’s over, here’s how not to end a long-term relationship:

How to end a long-term relationship, when you are ready to make the announcement:

1) Choose the right time and place.
2) Be direct, yet polite and compassionate, even if he is not. Avoid criticizing and blaming. You don’t want to create any negative karma in the process of leaving (the act of breaking-up itself does not).
3) Remind her that you’ve done all you can, you two are not compatible enough for a relationship, it’s best to move on, and that if you remain together, it will prevent you both from finding people who are more compatible.

Now that you have a better idea about how to end a long-term relationship, you can help your partner and yourself do so in the best way possible.

Author’s Bio: 

postheadericon Eliminate Your Co-Dependent Needy Behaviors

Your rating: None Average: 4 (1 vote)

Well it turns out that over the last decade a former psychiatrist working with revolutionary new coaching process has been exploring ways in which negative limiting beliefs, feelings, behaviors and memories can be completely and permanently erased from the subconscious mind much like how computer viruses are deleted from a computer’s hard drive.

It’s much like an actor who forgets to stop playing their role when they come off stage and forgets who they really are. It’s only when something twigs in their mind that makes them realize they are still playing a role that they wake up from that role and become themselves. In other words it’s like waking up from a hypnotic trance or a bad dream.

Is that really possible you ask? Absolutely!

So if you are one of those individuals who is helplessly disappointed with the state of their relationship life and would like to eradicate your co-dependent needy behaviors kindly visit the web site below where you can learn more about this new coaching process, request a free e-copy of my book or request a free introductory telephone/Skype consultation that will begin to help you remember how attractive you really are inside

Author’s Bio: 

Nick Arrizza, a former Psychiatrist and Medical Doctor, is an International Expert Self Empowerment Life Coach, Relationship and Spiritual Tele-Coach, Author and the developer of the powerful Mind Resonance Process® (MRP).

A Free 1 Hour Introductory MRP Telephone/Skype Coaching Consultation And Free Copy of My E-book are available upon request (You will be asked to cover your own long distance telephone charges)

postheadericon The Ugly Truth About Your Awkwardness and What To Do About It

Yeaaah.. Awkwardness sucks. You know that moment when you realize you slipped up and said or did something wrong…and that feeling of dread comes over you? Or you know you’re supposed to say something in a group but you can’t get yourself to do it…and you know others take notice of …

postheadericon Erase Emotional Baggage And Optimize Your Self Esteem

Do you know that the “only” cause of low self esteem is old emotional baggage stored deep inside your subconscious mind/body in the form of negative memories of failure, neglect, abuse, abandonment, rejection, humiliation etc.? Do you know that this baggage also weighs down your self worth, self …

postheadericon 20 Ways Women Trick You Into Spending Money

That’s right.

They’re so good at it they might as well host a “How To Trick A Shy Man Into Spending Money” seminar.

Now, I’m not talking about every woman. I’m talking about that particular woman who is just extra bit hotter, who has that extra bit of guys chasing her and who makes you feel like you’re just about there to win her affection.

Yup. THAT Woman.

You can probably think of a few women in your past who are like that.

But if you learn her secrets you can stop that deathly spiral of dinner and drinks which lead you nowhere.

So here they are:

#1 She starts listing her standards.

That moment when she realizes she has you and you’ve completely fallen for her. That’s when the list comes out on how to keep her happy. Often an expensive list…and you know you’re screwed.

#2 Unpredictable bursts of affection.

You can never tell when it’s coming or if it’s going to come again. You don’t know what made it happen, but you try figuring it out anyways thinking doing it more often will get her to like you.

#3 Gets you in a good mood, then makes her demand.

You know when things finally seem to be going right. You have a good conversation, she smiles at you while talking…and then tells you about that purse she wants. Of course the guy thinks “Crap, things are going well. I don’t wana ruin it now.”

#4 Talking in a way where she longs for what she wants.

Maybe she doesn’t use Trick#3. Instead she talks about what she wants in a longing voice that gets the guy to fantasize how happy he’d make her by getting it.

#5 Uses the “If someone can get me that I’ll love him forever” line.

Oh this one is a killer. This affirms what the guy is already thinking, except she actually said it.

#6 Attacks your sense of manhood.

By telling the guy (in a manipulative way) what a “real man” does to keep women happy.

#7 Talks about other guys in front of you.

Jealousy is extremely powerful. By talking favorably about other guys she creates a sense of competition that someone has to overcome.

#8 Ending every interaction with you not getting anywhere.

#9 Starting with small requests and going on to bigger ones.

Basically it’s commitment and consistency. Once you’ve done a small favor you’re likely to do the next one even if she wants a little more. We are habitual beings. Once you get someone in the habit of doing something they will continue doing it. If you gave into her demands it’ll be harder saying “no” the next time she asks.

#10 Starts eyeing other guys in front of you.

Another jealousy trick, this time the competition is right in front of you. It’s that subtle communication from her that says “You better do as I say, or else.”

#11 “I don’t think I can see you anymore.”

What happens when a girl says that? The guy starts showing up at her house with flowers, chocolate, takes her out for MORE dinners in hopes that she won’t leave.

#12 “What if I do this _____ for you?”

She will give you a kiss in exchange for something or she’ll hold your hands, let you take her on a date etc…

#14 Gets her friends to pressure you.

Dealing with social pressure can be tough, especially if most of your friends are actually HER friends. It gets to a point where they get disapproving of you, make you out as an outcast for not “making her happy”.

#15 Threatens with telling her friends about you.

So she used trick #14 a few times, now all it takes is a mention or hint that she’ll be complaining to her friends and it does the job in getting what she wants.

#16 Talks about the things her Ex-boyfriend did for her.

Showing you that you’ll never measure up and if you can’t top what her ex did then why should she give you a chance?

#17 Random acts of kindness making you feel there is something.

After all that, she still does something nice once in a blue moon. Maybe gets you a scarf, brings you doughnuts. Just enough to justify to yourself that something special is happening between you two.

#18 Pretends to be a damsel in distress.

The type who is in need of financial help…except when you talk to other guys you find out she’s always doing it to them. She uses her allure to get guys into “helping” her. Frankly if a grown woman can’t take care of herself it’s not your problem. You’re not her daddy.

#19 She remembers a long list of all the things she did for you in her mind.

If there is ever an argument she brings up a list of all stuff she did for you – no matter how menial. And blows it out of proportion no matter how unfair it is.

#20 Goes along with your plans and ideas…then starts changing it last minute.

Let’s say she’s just a friend. Let’s say you and your buddies made plans to see a movie and you invite her and her girlfriends. Then last minute the girls change plans to a place closer to them, and you guys reluctantly go along with it driving to the other side of town…because you wana see the girls.

Alright, now I can go deeper into each point but that would take pages and pages which I can’t do here. But you got the main points.

Was this article helpful?

Is there another topic you’d like me to discuss?

Go down below and leave a comment with your request and I’ll write about it in a future article.

Author’s Bio: 

I was the guy who showed up to hang out and people would go “Ugh why’d they have to bring HIM?” and they’d avoid talking to me or even looking in my direction.

I remember in high school I used to read about cool scientific facts and knowledge about the universe. And I’d remember it for conversations starters thinking it will mesmerize people and get them to notice me.

Yep, no one cared. I was shy, introverted and usually lonely.

But I wasn’t the type to throw in the towel.

I studied some of the most extroverted outgoing people around and read about anthropology, ethology and psychology to understand what makes them so likable from a scientific point of view.

Eventually I started getting the same success they were and created step by step methods to teach other introverted, shy men about being social and outgoing.

I met some famous people from Miss Korea, Jean-Claude Van Damme to small time movie directors in the area using some of my techniques.

postheadericon How to Choose the Best Wedding Photographer for Your Special Day

Are you getting ready for the most exciting day of your life? Getting the perfect pictures will be an integral part of the experience, providing you with sweet memories to go over again and again.

Choosing the right wedding photographer is the key to getting the perfect pictures. How can you make sure that the professional you pick understands all of your requirements and desires? Getting some important information from potential wedding photographers will help you make up your mind about the selection.

The Cost

How will the cost of your wedding photos be calculated? Is the wedding photographer willing to travel to a particular location? The cost of getting to your wedding venue could have some impact on the final figure, which is why you need to discuss this aspect of the collaboration in advance.

Make sure there are no hidden costs and unexpected surprises. The best wedding photographers will give you a detailed estimate that covers all aspects of working together. Make sure that you are getting all of this information in advance so that you can choose in accordance to your wedding budget.

The Approach to Photography

Each photographer has a particular style that is evident once you go through the portfolio. As a bride, you have a particular idea about your wedding photo style. You simply need to find the professional that will be capable of executing the idea.

Keep relatives out of the selection process! Everybody has a particular idea and a personal sense of aesthetics that could be quite different from what you are looking forward to. Go through wedding photography portfolios with your significant other and make the final decision without relying on input from relatives and friends.

Once you make up your mind, talk to the shortlisted photographers about it. Professionals in the field should understand your concept right from the start and give you suggestions that will result in an even more spectacular photo session. Getting some information about the pros and the cons of the photography style that you are interested in can also shed some light on the best possibility.

How Many Photos will You Get?

Reputable wedding photographers will give you a photo number estimate right from the start.

The number of photos that will be included in the album and the number of hours that the professional will dedicate to photographing your wedding are both important for figuring out whether this is the person to work with. You want all aspects of the wedding to be captured and the more you get from the interactions with the wedding photographer, the happier you will be with the outcome.


Are the wedding photographers you are interested in working with giving you any personalisation possibilities? Are you going to get suggestions about the selection of the best wedding album style?

Some photographers will take the service to the next level. They will create special, unique products solely for your wedding. Photo thank-you cards for all of the guests are just one such example. Talk to the photographer if you have interest in getting unique photo souvenirs and discuss the possibilities in advance.

Author’s Bio: 

Richard Galloway is an award-winning professional photographer and considered one of the best reportage wedding photographers in Surrey. Creating story-telling photographs since 2007, he specialises in documentary (reportage) wedding photography.

Or just call for a chat about your special day: 01252 835 981

postheadericon Relationships: Do You Expect Other Adults To Fulfil Your Unmet Childhood Needs?

When one has the desire to be in a relationship with someone, they are going to have certain expectations. And the same can be said when one is already in a relationship. Now, there is the chance that one is completely aware of what these are and at the same time, there is the chance that they are only slightly aware of what they are.

So there are going to be different needs and wants that other people are expected to fulfil, and ones awareness of what these needs and wants are, is going to vary. Some people will be in touch with what they look towards another person to fulfil and then there will be other people who are more or less clueless as to what they expect to be fulfilled by another.

The Fist Option

On one side then, there are going to be people who have a list in their mind or on paper of what they are looking for in another person. And because they have an idea of what they are looking for, there is the chance that they will find it.

This list could be made up on needs or non-negotiables and therefore, things that they can’t do without. And as well as these, one could have certain things they want but are not as important.

When one operates from this level of awareness it doesn’t mean they will always have their needs fulfilled, but what it does mean is they are less likely to be caught up in any illusions. As a result of being aware, one will also be able to reflect on what another person can truly give them and what they can’t.

For example, one has adult needs and wants and then they can have needs and wants that they still carry from their childhood years. And there is a difference between the wants and needs of an adult and those of a child.

The Second Option

Here, one is not necessarily going to have a clear idea in regards to what they want and need and so, they could just be drawn to more or less anyone that comes along. It won’t matter how compatible they are or how healthy they, as all that matters is they are available.

What this means then, is that one will get their needs and wants filled but it doesn’t mean that this will lead to healthy and functional relationship. Just as one could be hungry and end up consuming all kinds of junk. Here one is getting their need for food met, but it is clearly not the right kind of food.

And in this example, one is unlikely to be aware of what is taking place within them. One is then not in control of their own needs and wants, their own needs and wants are controlling them. Here, one is likely to be in a position where their unmet childhood needs are largely defining their relational behaviour.

The Third Option

In this option, one is going to be aware of certain needs and wants that they have. So there will be needs and wants that they are aware of and there are going to be other needs and wants that are driving their behaviour that they are not aware of.

This could mean that one’s relationships are generally healthy and fulfilling, and that they are not under too many illusions as to what another person can give them. However, while one may be aware of certain needs and wants there is still the chance that their relationships are unfulfilling and dysfunctional.

So their expectations are then not being met and one ends up feeling frustrated, or one could find that their expectations are met but they still feel as though something is missing. This could then cause one to wonder if they will ever meet the right person or why other people seem to be doing fine, amongst other things.

Unmet Childhood Needs

If people only had adult needs in their adult years their relationships would probably be a lot healthier. That’s unless one had a childhood that was perfect and every need and want they ever had was met by their caregivers. But the reality is that not all of one’s needs would have been met during their childhood years.

Ones caregivers were only human, so it is not possible for them to have met them all of the time. So it is to be expected that there will be moments when one had to go without. For some people, their needs and wants would have been practically ignored.

However, even though these experiences are in the past, it doesn’t mean that these unmet needs and wants are no longer having an effect on one’s life. The pain of not getting these met could still be in one’s body and because of this, one can end up looking towards other adults to give them what they didn’t get during their childhood.


And these unmet childhood needs are going to merge with ones adult needs. In fact, one could feel possessed by them; with the people they attract and are attracted to being defined by what they didn’t get as a child. If one is aware of what this part of them is looking for, they will have the chance to process this pain and to express their needs in a conscious manner for instance. This will then stop them from creating the same unhealthy scenarios over and over again.

When one is not aware of this part, they could end up attracting people who are not compatible or who remind them of these early experiences. They could meet someone with the expectation that these unmet needs will be fulfilled and then they soon realise that this is not going to happen. And this is partly because they are looking for things that other adults can’t provide.


A child needs to be loved unconditionally, to have its need and wants met on a consistent basis and to be accepted for who they are. These are just some examples and when these are not met, it is going to create problems.


Ideally one would become aware of these and then seek the assistance of a therapist of healer to enable them to grieve these unmet needs. This doesn’t always happen and this can then cause one to expect another person to love the unconditionally, to meet their needs on a consistent basis and to accept every part of them.

It is not possible for another person to do this, and as one will expect more than other person can realistically provide, they are going to prolong their childhood pain. So if one wants to put an end to the story they keep creating, they will need to grieve these unmet childhood needs. And through the assistance of a therapist or a healer, one will also receive the positive regard that they didn’t get all those years ago.

Author’s Bio: 

Prolific writer, thought leader and coach, Oliver JR Cooper hails from the United Kingdom. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation; love, partnership, self-love, and inner awareness. With several hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behavior, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice. Current projects include “A Dialogue With The Heart” and “Communication Made Easy.”