postheadericon Obsessions and Love Addiction

When an obsession dominates us, it steals our will and saps all the pleasure out of life. We become numb to people and events, while our mind replays the same dialogue images, or words. In a conversation, we have little interest in what the other person is saying and soon talk about our obsession, oblivious to the impact on our listener.

Obsessions vary in their power. When they’re mild, we’re able to work and distract ourselves, but when intense, our thoughts are laser-focused on our obsession. As with compulsions, they operate outside our conscious control and are rarely abated with reasoning. Obsessions can possess our mind. Our thoughts race or run in circles, feeding incessant worry, fantasy, or a search for answers. They can take over our life, so that we lose hours, sleep, or even days or weeks of enjoyment and productive activity.

In a new romantic relationship, it’s normal to think about our loved one to a degree–but for codependents, it often doesn’t stop there. When not worrying about the relationship, we may become obsessed with our partner’s whereabouts or create jealous scripts that damage the relationship. Our obsessions may also be pleasurable, such as fantasies about romance, sex, or power. We may imagine how we’d like our relationship to be or how we want someone to act. A big discrepancy between our fantasy and reality may reveal what we’re missing in our life.

Of course, sometimes, we really are obsessing because we’re very afraid that a loved one will commit suicide, get arrested, overdose, or die or kill someone while driving drunk. Yet, we might also obsess about a small problem to avoid facing a larger one. For example, a mother of a drug addict might obsess about her son’s sloppiness, but not confront or even admit to herself that he could die from his addiction. A perfectionist might obsess about a minor flaw in his or her appearance, but not acknowledge feelings of inferiority or unlovability.
Tips for Dealing with Obsessions
The best way to end an obsession is to “lose our mind and come to our senses!” It follows that if an obsession is to avoid feeling, getting in touch with feelings and allowing them to flow will help dissolve our obsession. If our obsession helps us avoid taking action, we can get support to face our fears and act. When our obsessions are irrational and allowing our feelings doesn’t dispel them, it can be helpful to reason them out with a friend or therapist.

  1. Ask yourself, “What am I feeling?” and wait patiently until you know.
  2. Learn to meditate to quiet your mind.
  3. Do slow movement to evocative music, and allow yourself to feel.
  4. Write about your feelings (ideally with your non-dominant hand) and read it to someone.
  5. Share at a CoDA or Al-Anon meeting.
  6. Spend time in nature.
  7. Read spiritual literature and/or attend spiritual/religious gatherings. (Beware that religion and spirituality can become obsessions, too)
  8. If you’re obsessed with a person, get “14 Tips for Letting Go” at www.whatiscodependency.com.
  9. Put your energy into expanding your social network.
  10. Do something creative.
  11. Develop interests and passions that feed, inspire, and nurture you.
  12. Do what you enjoy. Don’t wait for someone to join you.
  13. If you’re obsessing over a broken relationship, here’s a list of things to do and think about.
  14. Do the exercises in Codependency for Dummies, especially Chapter 9 on nonattachment, and the exercises in Conquering Shame and Codependency.

This article isn’t meant to address obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), which is a mental disorder affecting one percent of adults. It starts in childhood and is believed to have a genetic component. OCD may include only obsessions. Usually, the themes are about:

  • Fear of contamination or dirt
  • Having things orderly and symmetrical
  • Aggressive or horrific thoughts about harming yourself or others
  • Unwanted thoughts, including aggression, or sexual or religious subjects

©Darlene Lancer 2014

Author’s Bio: 

postheadericon Optimize Your Relationship Success By Eliminating Neediness From Your Life

Do you know that neediness is the result of old emotional baggage stored within in the form of negative memories of abuse, rejection, neglect, humiliation, bullying, failure etc.? Do you know that these memories create the familiar nagging feeling of emptiness that many people have inside them? …

postheadericon Make Your Relationship Work

If you’ve been in one or are in one right now, you will know that it’s not always easy and euphoric 24/7. A solid relationship takes a lot of WORK and it takes two. See if you and your lover can past this test!
Own Your Power,
Simone

RELATIONSHIP BASICS 101
Couples often lose track of the most basic elements of a healthy relationship

Here are my top five relationship basics. See if you’ve “passed” Relationship 101!

Respect: Treat your partner with respect. ALWAYS. That includes even when you are furious with her. There is a respectful way to say everything, as well as a respectful time to say it.

Repair: You are both human. Your partner will make mistakes and so will you. Repairing your relationship after those mistakes is critical to its health. Actively seek ways to repair hurts with your partner, such as apologizing, or listening to your partner’s concerns. Always be willing to accept repair behaviors from your partner. Accepting your partner’s apology isn’t the same way as condoning what he did. It simply says “I care about you enough to work through this.”

Be honest and accepting. Own your own issues, problems and mistakes. Be upfront about your feelings. Find respectful ways to air all of this (I am not an advocate of “honesty at all costs”! Don’t cause your partner unnecessary pain by “just being honest” when you are also angry!) Don’t cover up due to embarrassment. Be honest with your partner and openly accept that your partner has the right to his opinion, even if you don’t like it much. This acceptance – that your partner has a right to his or her opinions – and the willingness to talk and negotiate rather than argue or dictate, is what makes a relationship “safe.”

Appreciate. Take every opportunity to appreciate your partner and the positives in your life. Research suggests finding positives in your life every day can measurably improve it. Too often disgruntled partners feel that if they praise or even encourage their partner it is the same thing as saying “everything is okay with us.” Not so! Appreciation and validation should be liberally applied to your relationship, even if it’s troubled. You’ll have plenty of time to also (respectfully) air your complaints.

Author’s Bio: 

postheadericon Dear Dr. Romance: I am somewhat leery of another romance

My last romantic relationship (that I thought was mutual) ended because she said one day out of the blue, ”I don’t love you any more.” I think she never really did, but rather I was her crutch after her last
breakup. I loved her wholly, with all my everything, however she did not do the same. That, of course, hurt.

As such, since I am the type to put my everything into what I do, I am somewhat leery of another romance — what if it end the same way? Also, the people in whom I have shown interest rarely return my feelings — double whammy working against me. I suppose that is not uncommon, though. I am not rushing into anything with the wrong person. The wrong person is someone who is a whim. I want a relationship, not a sex partner. Because of that, I fear I may continue to be single in the relationship status for quite some time.

I do work on myself, though! Since I started Weight Watchers almost three years ago I have lost over 60 pounds! I also am “attacking” other aspects, social, physical, and other that could stand to be improved.

I may be single, but I am not lonely for most of the time. I have friends that are there for me when I need them (in person, on the phone, in email, etc.) Best of all — I am happy! 

Dear Reader:

Author’s Bio: 

Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California since 1978 with over 30 years experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 13 books in 17 languages, including It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction; The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again; Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting About the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage, The Commuter Marriage, and her newest, Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences. She writes the “Dr. Romance” blog, and the “Happiness Tips from Tina” email newsletter.

Dr. Tessina, is CRO (Chief Romance Officer) for LoveForever.com, a website designed to strengthen relationships and guide couples through the various stages of their relationship with personalized tips, courses, and online couples counseling. Online, she’s known as “Dr. Romance” Dr. Tessina appears frequently on radio, and such TV shows as “Oprah”, “Larry King Live” and ABC News.

postheadericon Relationships: Can Embracing Our Pain Lead To Healthier Relationships?

And for the person that is not in a relationship, their pain could relate to the experience of feeling lonely, unlovable and that it is not possible for them to find a companion. Ultimately, these are examples of where one is in a position where their needs and wants are not being met.

At times, this could be because the other person is not compatible or because they are abusive. And at other times, these are not going to be met because one is single and therefore has no one around to meet them.

Other Relationships

Ones needs and wants are not going to be the same in these types of relationships as they would be in an intimate relationship, but there will be certain needs and wants that are the same. Within these other types of relationships, one could still end up being compromised, abused and/or come to the conclusion that they are not compatible.

One Approach

When something doesn’t work it is normal to look for answers as to why it doesn’t work and then to seek a solution. And through finding a solution, it might soon be possible for one to fix what wasn’t working.

If they can’t find a way to fix what wasn’t working, then it might mean that they have to let go of what wasn’t working and to find another option. Alternatively, one could just leave something as it is and do nothing about it.

Growth

Now, if one was to take the first approach in their relationships, they would soon find that they will improve or they will just let go of a relationship that is not working and attract someone who is more compatible.

This is not to say that this process will be free from pain; what it does mean is that one will grow and their relationships are inevitably going to develop. The same experiences won’t get played out over and over again, and neither would one stay in a relationship that wasn’t working.

Doing Nothing

If one was to stay in a relationship that wasn’t working and not do anything about it then it is not going to improve. In fact, it could get a lot worse and this is going to cause even more pain.

One could just leave a relationship that is not working and they might end up in one that is better for them. But then again, they could end up in a relationship that is just as bad, if not worse. One may then avoid pain for a short time and then before long, they are back experiencing it once more.

Two Types Of Pain

There are then two types of pain that one can experience. The first is the type of pain that one experiences through being in relationships that are unhealthy or through trying to avoid the people or the situations that are causing them to experience pain. This type of pain can go on forever and won’t just disappear.

On the other side of this is the pain that one will experience when they face their relationships challenges head on. Here, one doesn’t just focus on what is taking place externally; they will also place their attention on what is taking place internally.

The first type of pain is going to create stress and ones relationships are not necessarily going to improve as a result of experiencing it. However, when one faces the pain that they are experiencing on the inside their relationships will gradually start to improve.

Embracing Pain

Pain is often seen as something that should be avoided and in some cases it should be. If one was to put their hand on something hot it is going to be best for them to move their hand away. In this situation, one is avoiding pain and it is in their best interests.

When it comes to emotional pain the same need can be there to avoid it. And while one can believe that it is possible for them to avoid this pain, all the time this pain remains within them it is going to affect their life.

Consequences

So one might be aware of this inner pain or they may have become disconnected from it, but it won’t matter if they are aware of it or not; as it will still influence their life. This pain can cause one to re-experience the same relationship patterns and to experience conflict.

For example, one might find that they are attracted to people who are emotionally unavailable, abusive or who are unable to love then, amongst other things. The people who they meet may look different, but one ends up feeling the same.

Where Does It Come From?

The pain that one experiences within them can be from their adult years and due to what happened during their childhood. Time is often regarded as a great healer and yet, just because one is no longer a child it doesn’t mean that their childhood pain has just healed by itself.

Whether it relates to ones adult pain or the pain they experienced as a child, it will need to be faced and processed. This might not sound very appealing and if there was no benefit to facing ones pain, then there wouldn’t be any point in doing it.

Awareness

When one faces their pain their relationship will begin to improve and if they don’t, then one will let go of what doesn’t serve them and attract people who reflect the changes that are being made within them.

Author’s Bio: 

Prolific writer, thought leader and coach, Oliver JR Cooper hails from the United Kingdom. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation; love, partnership, self-love, and inner awareness. With several hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behavior, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice. Current projects include “A Dialogue With The Heart” and “Communication Made Easy.”

postheadericon When Your Friends Turn Out To Be “Energy Vampires”

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Are you one of those individuals who craves to have friends around you all or most of the time? If so have you ever wondered what motivates your craving? Have you ever wondered how discriminating you are when it comes to the types of people you choose to invite into your life and into your energetic space?

Well if you feel more frustrated, annoyed, unheard, depleted, embarrassed, diminished, invisible and so on after spending time with your “friends” then it likely means your choices have been less than discerning.

So why do people choose to spend time with others who deplete rather than invigorate, uplift, and energize them?

Well if there is a “need to have friends” based on:

1. The fear of being alone.

2. The need to be loved liked or appreciated.

3. The need to be taken care of or rescued.

4. The need to feel like part of something.

5. The need to be accepted.

6. The fear of being left out.

7. The need to be valued and/or validated.

How can one enhance their ability to accurately discern who is right and who is not?

Well discernment is based on the ability to feel how another person affects your Life Force Energy or what is generally called “one’s energy”. I’m sure the term “energy vampire” is familiar to you. Energy vampires are individuals who consciously or unconsciously feed off of other peoples’ energy in order to make themselves feel whole, complete, powerful, superior, impressive, and so on.

The reasons listed above for being drawn into such relationships in the first place are rooted in early negative experiences in your life, stored as negative memories, that have programmed you in those ways i.e. to feel fearful and needy.

If I said that all of those experiences actually stand in the way of you ever being free to feel at ease and to draw the right kind of friends into your life how would that feel to you? Probably frustrating because there is no way to undo those experiences is there?

Well that’s where the story takes a dramatic turn. It’s actually possible to permanently release those negative experiences from within once and for all with a new process called the Mind Resonance Process® (MRP).

This will not only spontaneously help you to feel and be more discerning but it will literally change the quality of individuals who you draw into your sphere of friends.

If you would like to experience this process kindly visit the web link below where you can opt for a free introductory telephone/Skype coaching consultation.

Author’s Bio: 

Nick Arrizza, a former Psychiatrist and Medical Doctor, is an International Expert Self Empowerment Life Coach, Relationship and Spiritual Tele-Coach, Author and the developer of the powerful Mind Resonance Process® (MRP).

A Free 1 Hour Introductory MRP Telephone/Skype Coaching Consultation And Free Copy of My E-book are available upon request (You will be asked to cover your own long distance telephone charges)

postheadericon Relationships: Why Do Some People Repeat Unhealthy Relationship Patterns?

Just because one is with someone who looks different to the person they were in a relationship with before, it doesn’t mean that their experience is going to be any different. And if ones last experience was generally healthy and functional, this is not going to be something that one is going to complain about.

However, if the relationship they are now in reflects their past relationship and this was a relationship that was unhealthy and dysfunctional, then this is going to be incredibly frustrating to say the least.

This could also apply to someone who is currently taking a break from relationships. After having one unhealthy experience after another; one may have come to the conclusion that it is better to be single than to keep having the same painful experiences or that they need to do something different.

The Intellect

Now, the brain in one’s head is going to come up with all kinds of reasons as to why this is happening. The minds ideas could cause one to gain a greater understanding of why they keep experiencing the same things or it could cause them to end up feeling like a victim.

It is then not possible for one to get to the root of these challenges and gradually move on. Instead, one can end up believing that the world is against them, that they are unlucky and/or that there is something inherently wrong with them.

Education

And as people are generally not educated when it comes to why they are attracted to the people they are and why they attract the people they do, it is not much of a surprise if one ends up feeling hopeless. The fact one has challenges is not the problem, as this is part of life, the problem is that one is unaware of what is actually going on.

When it comes to who one is attracted to or attracts into their life, it is often seen as something that happens randomly. So based on this, there is very little that one can do about what is taking place.

Common Interpretations

It could be taken as a sign that one needs to kiss a lot of frogs before they find the kind of person that they get on with; how the one will soon appear if one just waits long enough. Other people could say that one is just unlucky or too nice, amongst other things.

But ultimately, these are just labels and do not shed any light on why one attracts or is attracted to the people that they are. And more to the point: why they continually repeat unhealthy relationship patterns.

Patterns

There are all kinds of scenarios that can play out here and one may find that they experience some more than others. One may find that they attract people who are emotionally unavailable. They could be drawn to people who come across as charming at first and then before long, end up being abusive.

Another person may show interest in the beginning, but as the relationship progresses, they end up pulling away and one ends up feeling abandoned and rejected. Or another may show interest one moment and then disinterest in the next; it is then hard to work out where one stands.

The Story

So there is going to be what happens and this is the ‘story’ and then there is going to be how one feels as a result of what happens. It would be easy to say that the reason one feels as they do is because of what keeps happening.

And while this could be the case, it is more likely to be due to how they feel. Their feelings are then causing them to re-create the same story over and over again. These are not feelings that just appear and then disappear though; these are going to be feelings that have remained trapped in their body.

Childhood Pain

Even though one is now an adult and their childhood years are behind them, it doesn’t mean that their childhood pain has been processed and grieved. One then ends up repeating their childhood all over again. It is no longer their mother or father who is unavailable for example; it is their present day partner.

So although these experiences don’t allow one to have what they want, they are associated as familiar and therefore safe by their ego mind (the brain in their body). This undeveloped part of them is also looking towards other people to fulfil the needs that were not met by their caregivers.

Unconscious Expectations

One then attracts people who remind them of their caregivers with the expectation that they are going to give them what their caregivers couldn’t. On one side, it impossible for another adult to fulfil these unmet childhood needs.

And as a result of attracting people that reflect their caregivers, one is going to re-create the same experiences and this means they are going to end up feeling the same.

Feeling Work

The emotions that have remained trapped in one’s body will need to be faced and released. What happens or the people one attracts or is attracted to is irrelevant in the grand scheme of things; what matters is how one feels and in facing these feelings.

One is not trying to change how they feel or to think differently, they are simply facing their emotional truth. They are grieving what they didn’t get all those years ago and this is not something that is going to happen overnight.

Awareness

The assistance of a therapist, healer or some kind of body worker may be needed. And as one processes their past, the need to re–create the same patterns will gradually begin to disappear.

Author’s Bio: 

Prolific writer, thought leader and coach, Oliver JR Cooper hails from the United Kingdom. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation; love, partnership, self-love, and inner awareness. With several hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behavior, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice. Current projects include “A Dialogue With The Heart” and “Communication Made Easy.”

postheadericon Dear Dr. Romance: He isn’t shy about holding hands with a black girl

We’ve kissed, but we’ve only gone as physically far as kissing; he called me his girlfriend.
I told him I had had a bad experience and he is okay with not sleeping with me, so our sleepovers have been fully clothed! He’s called me beautiful, smart, sweet, tender, as well as pet names like
“my baby”, “my queen” (lol), he told me a story about a famous poet whose grandfather was black (it’s silly but I looked it up!) He texts me sometimes to wish me a goodnight, and always seems interested
in what’s going on with my life, he’s makes me laugh, and he has introduced me to his roommate. I know it’s still very early to be making judgments; we’ve only been going out for a month now.

He never ever calls me. His English isn’t perfect and I thought maybe it could be that he’s not sure how to carry a conversation while we’re not face to face, because sometimes in person we misunderstand each other. He does text, though, usually to ask me out.

I was so confused and I cried the whole night. The next day at work I was polite when I saw him but I gave him the cold shoulder,and I think he picked up on it because he tried to make conversation a few
times, he asked me what was wrong and I acted indifferent. Then the next day he found me again and asked me if he could see me again. I said I would be busy, and he seemed so

Do you think I overreacted? When he did call me his girlfriend the following date, it wasn’t because I mentioned it first.

He’s very open with me and tells me things without my asking. He’s told me stories about himself and
his ex-girlfriend in Russia, and it makes me wonder if he’s on the rebound or not completely over her.
I just like him, but I don’t want to be taken advantage of or deceived, or get hurt. I’d really appreciate your help.

Dear Reader:

I think you’re doing a pretty good job of keeping your budding relationship with Pavel clear. You
were able to say “no” when he wanted to move too fast, which is good. However, I think you
must be really hurting from what happened in the past, which is affecting your ability to know what’s OK and not in this relationship. You’re also very insecure about your ethnicity, even though he has shown you that raciel differences are not important to him.  

Author’s Bio: 

Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California since 1978 with over 30 years experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 13 books in 17 languages, including It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction; The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again; Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting About the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage, The Commuter Marriage, and her newest, Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences. She writes the “Dr. Romance” blog, and the “Happiness Tips from Tina” email newsletter.

Dr. Tessina, is CRO (Chief Romance Officer) for LoveForever.com, a website designed to strengthen relationships and guide couples through the various stages of their relationship with personalized tips, courses, and online couples counseling. Online, she’s known as “Dr. Romance” Dr. Tessina appears frequently on radio, and such TV shows as “Oprah”, “Larry King Live” and ABC News.

postheadericon Dear Dr. Romance: At first I was hurt, but now I’m irritated.

I do not like my job, I have two more classes before I complete my masters in HR to move to a better position and recently passed the PHR certification. I was talking with my boyfriend about the environment at the company and how they are always threatening to fire people as their way to get people to perform better. They are also very picky. I realize that this is companies way life. His response was, “You act like it is your God given right to work at the company just because you work hard.” I was really shocked with the statement because he is always complaining about his job and his manager. So when I pointed this out. He says when he complains its about something specific. First I was really hurt but the more I think about it the more irritated I become. As if its ok for him to complain. Please advise how to handle this.

Dear Reader:

Author’s Bio: 

Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California since 1978 with over 30 years experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 13 books in 17 languages, including It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction; The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again; Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting About the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage, The Commuter Marriage, and her newest, Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences. She writes the “Dr. Romance” blog, and the “Happiness Tips from Tina” email newsletter.

Dr. Tessina, is CRO (Chief Romance Officer) for LoveForever.com, a website designed to strengthen relationships and guide couples through the various stages of their relationship with personalized tips, courses, and online couples counseling. Online, she’s known as “Dr. Romance” Dr. Tessina appears frequently on radio, and such TV shows as “Oprah”, “Larry King Live” and ABC News.

postheadericon Supercharge The Power Of Your Intentions

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Many of us take the time to form an intention to achieve these in our lives.

The forming of an intention usually entails some of the following steps:

1. Having and holding a vision of what you desire in your mind’s eye.

2. Expressing a felt desire for this vision to manifest in your life.

3. The ability to remain detached from the outcome i.e. to put the desire out there and let the universe assist you in creating that which you desire

4. The ability to be patient and just let whatever is going to happen happen.

5. To get out of the way and not try to have any preconceived notion about how your vision is going to materialize.

6. To feel grateful for all that you already have with the recognition that you already have the power and the support that you desire to manifest whatever it is that you desire.

Now of course all of this is easier said than done. Why is that?

Well it’s largely because we have been conditioned during our lifetimes to believe a whole host of other things about what it takes to manifest something.

Additionally, we are also confounded by emotional issues related say to feelings of doubt about our worthiness, our ability or capacity to manifest, our ability to remain detached, our ability to remain patient, or about the amount of work or energy it requires and so on.

These doubts undermine the power of your expressed intention. A simple metaphor that illustrates this goes as follows:

Now when doubts creep in, they act to both reduce the signal strength and scramble the signal. Hence what is being sent is weak and unrecognizable. How can the universe support your desired intention if it can’t even discern what it is that you are asking for? Well of course it can’t.

When you then find yourself feeling disappointed with all of this, what happens? Well, you likely start to doubt the process even more or start to tell yourself things like “I an unworthy person”, ” I must be a bad person because I never get what I want”, “There is no use asking for anything because I’m actually all alone and there is no universal supporting energy” and so on.

The net result of such thinking is that it serves to create more doubts and further weakens you in any future attempts at manifesting what you want. This of course, if you allow yourself to get caught in it, leads into a negative vortex of deprivation and disappointment.

There is now a way to actually “boost” the signal strength and clarity of every one of your intentions so that you can release yourself from the victimized and deprived state you find yourself in.

A new tool called the Mind Resonance Process (MRP) has been developed to help you become aware of all the conditioned beliefs and emotions that undermine the clarity and signal strength of your desired intentions. Once identified these intruders can be released once and for all thus making your intentions increasingly more powerful.

If you’d like to experience how MRP can begin to help you reclaim control over your life please visit the web link below for an introductory telephone/Skype coaching consultation.

Author’s Bio: 

Nick Arrizza, a former Psychiatrist and Medical Doctor, is an International Expert Self Empowerment Life Coach, Relationship and Spiritual Tele-Coach, Author and the developer of the powerful Mind Resonance Process® (MRP).

A Free 1 Hour Introductory MRP Telephone/Skype Coaching Consultation And Free Copy of My E-book are available upon request (You will be asked to cover your own long distance telephone charges)